Ode aan de ex die verdriet heeft over de partner van toen

Ode aan de ex die verdriet heeft over de partner van toen

Je hebt verdriet over je partner van toen

Je hoort dat er wat ergs is gebeurd met je ex. Ernstig ziek, stroke, hartaanval, dood. Afscheid loert of is daar.
Je hebt ‘geen positie meer’, maar het raakt je wel degelijk. Hard. Je hebt een mooi verleden met diegene. Dat houden van is er gewoon nog. Ook al is het ‘anders’, niet meer ‘formeel’ en overgegaan in een andere vorm.

Hoe hard de separatie ook geweest is, hoe lelijk de woorden of daden, de essentie van toen blijft overeind. Of wordt soms misschien ook ineens duidelijk.

Je stapte er destijds niet zomaar in; was hartstikke verliefd. Je genoot, vertrouwde, vree, vocht, feestte, discussieerde, huilde, praatte, lachte, bouwde samen.

Je bent geen deelgenoot meer

De uitingen van medeleven komen op gang. Je leest ze overal, facebook, twitter. Hoort het via-via.
Ze zijn niet meer gericht aan jou… en toch heb jij ook pijn. Als je kinderen hebt, wil je ook hen graag begeleiden in hun pijn, verdriet of zorg. Je zoekt steun in het netwerk van weleer. Je hebt zelf behoefte aan ondersteuning en troost.

En daar is de achtbaan

In de meest mooie situatie ben je BFF’s met je ex. Is hij of zij gewoon onderdeel van je leven gebleven. Maar als dat anders is, en dit niet wordt onderkend in het sociale netwerk, kom je in een rare achtbaan terecht.

Ben je nog welkom op een begrafenis? Mag of kun je deel uitmaken van het afscheid en de vorm waarin dat gebeurt? Word ook jij gehoord? Kun je nog lieve woorden spreken? Die je de ander zo gunt -en die de ander zo verdient-? En waaraan je behoefte hebt om ze voor het voetlicht te brengen? Op basis van alles wat ooit zo goed was tussen jullie?

Waar blijf jij?

Waar ben jij in dit verhaal? En waar zijn jullie kinderen?

Hoe kun jij op een goede manier afscheid nemen? Op een manier die recht doet aan wat je ooit voelde en voelt?

Pleidooi voor de gevoelens en positie van ex-en. Die hun oud-geliefde in hun hart dragen, maar niet meer kunnen uiten. Want zo “hoort het niet”. Maar de gevoelens zijn er wel degelijk.

Sociaal netwerk?

Aan het sociale netwerk. Wees je bewust, wees open en vriendelijk. Met name als je vriend of vriendin (de ‘ex’ in kwestie) kinderen heeft. Maar ook voor je vriendin of vriend persoonlijk. Koester het verleden en begrijp. Betrek het op jezelf. Hoe zou jij je voelen? Wees een safe haven.

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